It's My Goal... And I Can Explain...

WHY in the world did you do this??

What in the world would make you want to run 13.1 miles, in the heat, in giant crowds, through the streets of an unfamiliar town?

I’m glad you asked! Well, ok -even though you may not have actually “asked”, I feel led to tell you.  

Over the last few months, I’ve been working through a Half Marathon training program so that I could participate in the Rock N Roll Half Marathon in Savannah, GA on November 3^rd. In order to get through my training, I have run late at night, I have run early in the morning in the pitch dark, I have run while pushing my children (at a combined 67 pounds) in the jogging stroller, I have run in the pouring rain, and I have given up sleeping in on the weekend by running early every single Saturday for the last 7 weeks. 

This is when I had to go out and run in the pouring rain.

Oddly though, I don’t really consider myself a “runner” and am typically pretty hesitant to even say that I run. In fact, the only reason I’ve become vocal about it lately is for the sake of accountability. If I know people know I am training for a specific goal, I can’t just give up. 

But - I know that my pace is not nearly as fast as a traditional runner’s pace. I also know that I don’t look like a typical runner. At 5’1, I’m short, I have short legs, and well, let’s just say that I’m not a size 2 :) There are days I struggle for every single mile, and I'm sure it doesn't look pretty as I work to get my feet off the ground. And, after some long runs I'm so disgustingly drenched in sweat I'm not sure what the original color of my shirt was. Yet… somehow my legs have managed to carry me over 100 miles in the last 2 months. 

So here are a few of the key motivators behind this difficult, long, rewarding, and personal journey. 

1.       It’s on my “Bucket List”, plain and simple. Ever since I ran my very first individual race in October 2009 (The Virginia 4 Miler), I have said that I wanted to run a half marathon. So this has been on my mind for awhile, and just turned into a personal desire of mine.  I turned 30 this past February, and thought this year would be a perfect year to make it happen in honor of my new decade.  There’s no time like the present, right? :)

2.       As I look back at the past 10 years, I’ve always been driving towards a goal or working through a challenge. First it was to graduate early to get married, then to complete my Master’s degree, then to get Joey through his cancer treatments, then for many years my main focus was just on getting through fertility treatments and getting pregnant. So about 6 months ago, I found myself pondering this and thought “now what?” I don’t need more schooling, I’ve had my children, and Joey is well. Yes, I’m content and active as a mom, a wife, a teacher, and am busy with roles at church, but what about a more personal goal? Something that I can put effort into outside of my roles at home and church? I don’t want to be stagnate or just ok with the status quo. I want to do more. I want to challenge myself. I want my children to see mommy working towards a goal and striving to be better.

3.        This third reason is probably the most personal of all, but I think it’s necessary to be transparent to explain my full desire to train for this race. When Joey was diagnosed with cancer in 2005, we knew we either wouldn’t be able to have any biological children, or that the journey to having them would be very difficult. The latter proved true. It was a complicated, emotionally and physically exhausting journey, but God carried us, and in the end, He graciously blessed us with our two precious children. That chapter in our lives is now closed, and we are not able to have anymore biological children. Growing up I thought I’d be a baby making machine! So honestly, there are days that dealing with this new reality is still very difficult for me. It’s not that I don’t trust God and His perfect plan for us; it’s that I’m a woman who had a longing in my heart to get pregnant – a lot! – and have lots of children. So it’s working through my own emotions. So where does running come into play? Easy – it’s something else productive and healthy that I can do with my body!  If I can’t pop out babies, why not do something else that’s good for my body and healthy?! Plus, it’s a good way to “reclaim” my body as mine after 1 c-section and 1 tough delivery.

4.       I want our home to be one where our children grow up believing that fitness is the rule – not the exception. I don’t want to sit idle and then have my children model that. And having children that are active and goal driven can start with me. Over the last few weeks Abigail has shown a real interest in running and she really truly enjoys putting on her tennis shoes and going out with mommy for a run. And honestly, she’s pretty fast too! :) A few months ago, this wasn’t the case. I want to create a culture in our home of being active!

Me and Abs out on a run together!

5.       Lastly, WHY NOT run a half marathon!? They have these races all the time… if others can do it, why can’t I? What would be stopping me? Why shouldn’t I want to attain this goal? So as Nike says – JUST DO IT! Besides, after most half marathons, you get a pretty blinged out medal! :)

So, I will continue to lace up the running shoes, put in my pearl earrings, turn on my running tunes, strap down my Under Armour visor, and get my feet hitting the pavement – even if I don’t “look” like a runner and even if I’m not as fast as everyone else. As long my legs will go, I will keep going. And in a few weeks, I hope and pray that I can say that this is one goal I can cross off my bucket list.

So – what about YOU?? Do you have a personal goal? A personal challenge you are working towards?

If so, what is it?

If not, why not? 

I encourage everyone to break the molds, break the labels, and try something NEW. Challenge yourself. You might be impressed with how far you can go. 

 And P.S.- If you are an avid runner and don't think 13.1 is a big deal, well kudos to you for your fitness and running prowess, but please don't burst my bubble. Thanks :) 

A Shepherd Boy or a King?

This week has been a big week in our family. Our first born child left the familiar comforts of home and started pre-school! She was so excited to be going to school, and Joey and I were confident in knowing that this was her next step and the next phase for her, and she was going to a school where she would be well taken care of. 

As Abigail is “out on her own” more, and this new experience officially begins her educational journey – which is such an integral part in our overall journey – I have been praying that God would use this time away to nurture her, grow her, and mold her little self into who HE wants her to be. That these early years would gently guide her into becoming the young lady, and eventually the adult, that God desires her to be. 

So I think it was no accident that I came across a particular verse in 1 Chronicles this week. At this point in Chronicles, God was reassuring David of His promise, and says to David: 

“I chose you to lead my people Israel when you were just a shepherd boy, tending sheep out in the pasture.” 1 Chronicles 17:7

What struck me is that here was this lowly shepherd boy, who others probably had little hope for, and yet GOD saw his eternal and magnificent potential. God chose the most unlikely young man to lead HIS own people. 

This reminded me of a song my own father used to sing, called “Shepherd Boy” that looks at the choosing of David to be King. Part of the song says:

“So when others see a Shepherd boy,

God may see a King.

Even though, your life seems filled, with ordinary things.

In just a moment,

He can touch you, and everything will change.

So when others see a Shepherd boy…. GOD may see a KING.”

Throughout the week I haven’t been able to get this verse, or song, out my thoughts. As a mother, it’s really convicted me… 

What do I see when I really look at our children? Do I, as their mother who knows their strengths and weaknesses, unknowingly put limitations on them? When our daughter says she wants to be a doctor, do I ever so quickly think “yeah, that's too hard” in the back of my mind? Do I unintentionally place boundaries on their potential by rationalizing reality? 

Do I only see a shepherd boy? 

Or as a mother do I see our children through God’s eyes, with unlimited potential and eternal and magnificent purpose? Do I trust and believe one hundred percent that God has great plans in store for them that my mind can’t fully comprehend? Do I fully encourage every dream, praying and knowing that God will direct them? 

Do I see a King? 

I pray that as a parent I can look at my children, and pray for my children, and love my children fully in this way, “For when others see a shepherd boy, God may see a King.”

2011 Highlights

A year in review… Looking back at the highlights of 2011:

Just the other day, as Joey and I were holding our annual “Colson Budget Summit” for 2012, we took time to take a look back at our financial obligations, challenges, and outcomes from 2011. But we didn’t just stop there. We then also listed out all the ways God provided for us in 2011. It was a refreshing practice to sit and list out so many of the blessings of 2011 and reflect on how God brought our family through another year. As we looked at our “list,” it went much further, beyond just finances – as we reflected on 2011 we were able to see HIS provision for us and how HE continues to be faithful – in all things. In many ways, 2011 was both a year of settling down and a year of change, and also a year of blessings and dreams fulfilled.

First and foremost, this was our first entire year in our first home! In many aspects we are still getting settled - rearranging, reorganizing, and cleaning out! We are starting to understand what it means to be home owners too! It’s a great blessing to have our home and we love it, but we were definitely spoiled having a landlord to call all those years we lived in Virginia! Throughout the year, we were able to complete many “home improvement” projects that included: painting and decorating Benjamin’s nursery, painting our bathroom, putting new light fixtures in both bathrooms, painting the dining room and bathroom, putting up chair rail, and retouching much of the paint on the outside doors and windows. We had the help of friends and family to complete many of these projects, and that definitely helped these two home owner “newbies” :)

In May, perhaps the greatest blessing of 2011 and dream fulfilled came in the form of our precious little boy Benjamin Harper. He was born on Mother’s Day, May 8, 2011 and he is sweeter and lovelier than I could have imagined. He’s got a precious disposition and his smile and big blue eyes can steal anyone’s heart. What an incredible joy he is to our family!

Benjamin’s entry made Abigail an official “Big Sister” and she plays the role quite well! She is very inquisitive of what he is doing, what he needs, and how he wants to “share” his toys. Abigail continues to amaze us with her abilities to count, do her letters, shapes, colors, and just digest and remember information! She really enjoys “watching daddy sing at church” and going to Puggles class in AWANA. Our big girl turned 3 this year, and loves dolls, ballerinas, having tea parties, and playing outside.

Another significantly huge milestone for our family happened in June, just after our 8^th wedding anniversary, when Joey officially celebrated his FIFTH year of remission and being cancer free. I remember when Joey was so very ill, and doctors weren’t sure if he’d make it through the year, and a five year remission anniversary seemed so distant. But God healed Joey then, and continues to sustain his health now. To celebrate this particular milestone, Abigail and I decorated the house with yellow streamers and balloons, took a yellow and white cake up to church, took him out to lunch, and got him a shirt that said “ReMission Accomplished.” It was a wonderful “5 Year Cancerversary” celebration.

October 2011 brought the one year anniversary since we packed up our Uhaul and left Lynchburg, and moved to Hartsville, also marking Joey’s first full year as the Worship Pastor at Emmanuel. He absolutely enjoys his job and the wonderful people he gets to serve with and work with.

Those are only a few milestones from the year, but each made a significant impact not only in our 2011, but in our lives, and each shows God’s faithfulness to us. As we look ahead to 2012, I pray that it is a year we can be content in knowing that HE is faithful, wants the best for us, and guides our steps and directs our paths.

**I wrote this blog post a bit over a week ago (just never got around to posting it), without any idea of what would unfold in the days ahead – surgery and days in the hospital for our little boy, mounting medical bills, unexpected time from work, and pure exhaustion. I think the final paragraph – the final sentence – were perhaps words God gave me to type then, knowing I may need them days later, just in time for the first challenge of 2012. “HE is faithful, wants the best for us, and guides our steps and directs our paths.”

Benjamin's Birth Story

Today my sweet baby boy is one month old. So I thought it fitting that I use today to write out the story of his incredible birth.

Benjamin’s Birth Story

On Sunday, May 8, I had big plans to celebrate Mother’s Day. I was four days from my due date, and was ready for a day of being spoiled, and having yummy food that I didn’t have to cook! Early Sunday morning Joey headed off to church as usual for service prep, and Abigail and I spent the first part of the morning cuddling in bed and watching cartoons. Soon though we were getting all dressed up to go to church and celebrate Mother’s Day. I had carefully made sure the whole family was color coordinated for the special day (blues and peachesJ), and I had plans for a lovely steak dinner (which I was seriously craving!) after church that day! It was to be a perfect day!

As I was moving around getting dressed, I noticed, well, to keep it less than graphic – things kept getting wet. Honestly, I thought the baby was on top of my bladder and I was having “control” issues! HA! This went on the entire morning, and I finally determined that perhaps my water was breaking. With Abigail my water didn’t break and this was a new “issue” to figure out. So I called my sister and told her what was happening, and asked her if she thought it was my water breaking, to which she gave a resounding “YES!” and said she’d have her phone on all during church and to text or call right away with an update after I talked to Joey.

Let me rewind for a moment… on the night before, Saturday, while sitting at dinner, I was whining to Joey that I knew I was just going to end up with another c-section if this baby didn’t come on his own. I was whining, in a very “10 months and ready to pop” kind of way, that I was 4cm dilated, effaced, I had been walking, and done all I could do and I just KNEW this baby wasn’t going to come. Which, in turn, meant c-section #2. He assured me, as the kind, loving, patient husband he is that it would all be fine, and there were still a few more days for things to happen. What a good, insightful man, who was about to get the phone call to let him know that he had been right! J

OK, so back to that morning…

I hung up with my sister, and looked at the clock, and saw it was just before 10am, and Joey would soon be heading to the choir room to warm up the choir and then to start service. This was my only chance to catch him. So, I called him right away, and told him I thought my water was breaking. He was SO excited. I could just hear it in his voice! We tried to come up with an immediate plan to get Abigail where she needed to be, but just weren’t making much sense. Finally we came up with a plan, and looking back, it all makes me laugh. But, ultimately, I packed Abigail up, drove her to church (yes, with my water leaking), took her to the nursery, met up with Joey who had just finished conducting the choir, and then we came home, packed up ourselves, and off we went to the hospital – still in my dress, high heels, jewelry and all.

Upon arriving at the hospital, close to 12o’clock, my water broke completely, and we were whisked upstairs to the Labor and Delivery floor. We were on our way to have our baby boy, and it looked like our VBAC was going to be a viable option.

Once we got settled in, I was already at about 5cm, and hardly having any contractions – it was great! Joey went down to get our bags from the car, and on the way saw a teacher from the church school, and she and her husband ended up going to get Joey lunch! It was so very sweet, and I was a good little wife and let him eat his Wendy’s right in front of me while I munched on my ice chips J

A bit later, at about 6 or 7cm, I finally gave in and got the epidural. WHEW! Now, that is a miraculous thing right there! I mean, it was nearly instant pain free labor. That anesthesiologist is a good man.

Soon after the epidural, my contractions slowed down a bit, so the doctor – who was AMAZING – decided to give a bit of pitocin just to get the contractions stronger because I was already dilated so much, he wanted to get the baby moving more to avoid a c-section.

I must pause here to say that God absolutely had the perfect doctor on call for our delivery. He was positive and kind with a great bed-side manner, we saw him get very serious when needed, and he was all for a VBac if it could be done safely. It was an answer to prayer to have this doctor, and I am so grateful for him!

Around 5pm, my mom arrived from Charleston! We were so excited she was able to get to the hospital on time, and offered to let her stay in the room for the delivery. It was not only very special to have her there, but she was on camera duty and got some great pictures throughout the afternoon and night, but she also provided us with some great entertainment!

My mom started a “game” on Facebook so people could guess when the baby would be born. Well, it took off!!! At one point, we had nearly 100 posts and comments with guesses about when he would be born. As time started passing, the nurses would say “Well, whoever guessed 6 just lost.” Or “Tell people I think it will be closer to 7:30.” So, the nurses were in on it, my mom was reading the posts to us, we were all laughing, and even the doctor got in on the fun. It was great to have such a laid back labor and delivery room!!!

By 7pm, I was almost fully dilated after being in the hospital for 7 hours. Once again though, my contractions weren’t strong enough to move the baby, so the doctor upped the pitocin. And sure enough, by 8pm I was fully dilated and ready to push (but not before my mom posted this on Facebook so people could update their guesses in the “birth time game”) J

And so we began pushing. I naively thought it would be a few pushes and out would come my beautiful baby. Was I wrong! Half an hour in, I thought I had made little progress, and was getting discouraged, despite the encouragement and kind words from the nurses and my sweet Joey. An hour in to pushing, still no baby, and I was getting exhausted. The doctor gave me a 15 minute break to relax – I took it!

Before we started up again, the doctor offered to use a vacuum, but I said not unless it was absolutely totally necessary. So, we started pushing again. At this point, I could really start to feel pain – significant amounts of pain. My epidural was wearing off. They tried to make adjustments, but at the end, this would turn out to be a blessing in disguise because actually feeling the pain of the labor allowed me to push better and finally get my baby boy out!

Well, during the second hour of pushing, that room got ridiculously hot, I was eating ice chips left and right, and was getting more exhausted by the moment. But, we still managed to keep the overall mood in the room was still rather laid back and I was candidly honest with them about how I was feeling - so much so, that it was quite out of character and looking back now I just laugh at some of the things I said! My mom was in the corner, texting a play by play of the events to my sisters, including all of the comical and straightforward remarks I was making. Joey was ever steady, and didn’t leave my side. We were all taking bets on if our newest addition would come out with blonde hair like his big sister had done, or surprise us all and come out with dark hair. The doctor was rocking in the rocking chair at one point with his eyes closed, just letting the nurses guide me along, then he would sit up, take a peak, and slightly holler “push Cynthia!” then go back to his rocking chair or his Android phone.

Following a check, the doctor said “how big was your other baby’s head?” I said “in the 90^th percentile – thanks for bringing that up right about now.” And everyone laughed, and the doctor said “well, I think we’ve got another big head here.” To which I mumbled something, laughed, and kept pushing.

While we were in the second hour of pushing, we found out that because I was a VBAC, the entire operating room staff had to stay on the floor until the baby was born! So, they weren’t going home until I had that baby. One of the operating room nurses came in and said “ok, let’s get this baby out!” and yelled at him to “come towards the light”. Again, it was just a comfortable atmosphere where we were all trying to stay calm and use laughter to break up the seriousness and exhaustion of how long I had been pushing. Fortunately, this particular nurse from the operating staff stayed the rest of the time, and ended up being a great help to me, and a good source of distraction with her very calming demeanor.

About 2 full hours of pushing, I was beyond hot, exhausted, and I started actually started apologizing to Joey and the nurses! But Joey’s reply was reassuring and encouraging, soft spoken and loving, telling me I was doing great, and our son would be here soon. Looking back, it makes me chuckle now to think that I apologized, but at the time I felt like I wasn’t doing my “job” well enough and that’s why our baby still hadn’t joined us.

One of the nurses had told me that once the doctor started getting “dressed” that it was close. First, he put on his shoe covers, and I noticed right away, and honestly, that spurred me on to keep going. Then, I saw his hat go on, so I kept pushing. Then he was fully dressed, and I knew, after over two hours of pushing, my sweet boy was about to arrive. My mom was furiously texting my sisters, letting them know it was close, Joey was grinning from ear to ear, and coaching his little heart out with absolute excitement in his voice, our doctor was exclaiming “Push Cynthia!”, and those amazing nurses just kept counting to five J

Then finally, after nearly 2.5 hours of pushing, I saw my sweet baby boy miraculously arrive into this world. And all was perfect.

Our little Benjamin Harper Colson had arrived at 10:15pm, 8 pounds and 20 ¼ inches long, with a head full of dark hair and a tender cry that stopped the instant I held him.

What a magnificent Mother’s Day gift. I hope I can always remember each smell, moment, sound, and emotion from those hours, and that one most incredible instant that ultimately gave us Benjamin’s Birth Story.

Capturing the Moments

Today has been one of those days where my little girl seemed to wake up on the “wrong side” of her toddler bed. She started the morning very needy and whiny, it took us much longer to get out of the house and start our day because she wasn’t being exactly cooperative, and even once we got where we were going, she just seemed to be having a difficult day.

Honestly, I dealt with it for a while, but finally the crying and begging just made me agitated to the point that I just kind of tuned her out.

We got home, and I changed her clothes for nap time, and she then proceeded to, when I turned my back for two seconds, go into the bathroom and climb right into the bathtub, wet with water from her bath the night before. There she sat, fully clothed, playing with her bath toys. I quickly got her out, changed her yet again so she would be in dry clothes, and then finally put her in bed.

But, as I sit her while she naps, I started reflecting on the morning, and find the recent moments of our day tugging at my heartstrings.

It seems that with each passing day, my little girl is growing into a big girl. And I know there will be moments where she will not beg for goldfish every two seconds, cry over her shoes, beg for mommy to hold her, or get into the tub fully clothed.

Although I might not consider this day “ideal”, I hope that I have relished even those not so stellar moments and allowed them to soak in, so that 2, 4, or 10 years from now, I can remember those days when she was my baby girl, and look back on them fondly, with a smile, and just laugh. I hope that I have taken time, amidst telling her "no" or correcting her behavior, to etch in my mind and on my heart not just the seemingly “perfect” days, but even days like today.

I remember when she was an infant, I would smell her and think “memorize this” or I would look at myself in the mirror while I was holding her and think “memorize this – soak it in.” Even now, as she says her prayers, crawls in her big girl bed, sits on my lap to read a story, or sings a song, I find myself wanting to capture each memory not just on a camera, but on my heart, in my mind.

I can’t make time stand still – my child was created by God for a unique purpose – so she must continue to grow into who He made her to be. But, I hope that in all my moments with her, not just her angelic ones, that I take time to remember that her growth is a process, and even when it includes getting in the bathtub fully clothed, I want to not get so caught up in the exhaustion and frustration of being “mommy” that I can’t take time to capture and memorize even those moments, knowing they will be gone as quickly as they arrived.