A Shepherd Boy or a King?

This week has been a big week in our family. Our first born child left the familiar comforts of home and started pre-school! She was so excited to be going to school, and Joey and I were confident in knowing that this was her next step and the next phase for her, and she was going to a school where she would be well taken care of. 

As Abigail is “out on her own” more, and this new experience officially begins her educational journey – which is such an integral part in our overall journey – I have been praying that God would use this time away to nurture her, grow her, and mold her little self into who HE wants her to be. That these early years would gently guide her into becoming the young lady, and eventually the adult, that God desires her to be. 

So I think it was no accident that I came across a particular verse in 1 Chronicles this week. At this point in Chronicles, God was reassuring David of His promise, and says to David: 

“I chose you to lead my people Israel when you were just a shepherd boy, tending sheep out in the pasture.” 1 Chronicles 17:7

What struck me is that here was this lowly shepherd boy, who others probably had little hope for, and yet GOD saw his eternal and magnificent potential. God chose the most unlikely young man to lead HIS own people. 

This reminded me of a song my own father used to sing, called “Shepherd Boy” that looks at the choosing of David to be King. Part of the song says:

“So when others see a Shepherd boy,

God may see a King.

Even though, your life seems filled, with ordinary things.

In just a moment,

He can touch you, and everything will change.

So when others see a Shepherd boy…. GOD may see a KING.”

Throughout the week I haven’t been able to get this verse, or song, out my thoughts. As a mother, it’s really convicted me… 

What do I see when I really look at our children? Do I, as their mother who knows their strengths and weaknesses, unknowingly put limitations on them? When our daughter says she wants to be a doctor, do I ever so quickly think “yeah, that's too hard” in the back of my mind? Do I unintentionally place boundaries on their potential by rationalizing reality? 

Do I only see a shepherd boy? 

Or as a mother do I see our children through God’s eyes, with unlimited potential and eternal and magnificent purpose? Do I trust and believe one hundred percent that God has great plans in store for them that my mind can’t fully comprehend? Do I fully encourage every dream, praying and knowing that God will direct them? 

Do I see a King? 

I pray that as a parent I can look at my children, and pray for my children, and love my children fully in this way, “For when others see a shepherd boy, God may see a King.”

2011 Highlights

A year in review… Looking back at the highlights of 2011:

Just the other day, as Joey and I were holding our annual “Colson Budget Summit” for 2012, we took time to take a look back at our financial obligations, challenges, and outcomes from 2011. But we didn’t just stop there. We then also listed out all the ways God provided for us in 2011. It was a refreshing practice to sit and list out so many of the blessings of 2011 and reflect on how God brought our family through another year. As we looked at our “list,” it went much further, beyond just finances – as we reflected on 2011 we were able to see HIS provision for us and how HE continues to be faithful – in all things. In many ways, 2011 was both a year of settling down and a year of change, and also a year of blessings and dreams fulfilled.

First and foremost, this was our first entire year in our first home! In many aspects we are still getting settled - rearranging, reorganizing, and cleaning out! We are starting to understand what it means to be home owners too! It’s a great blessing to have our home and we love it, but we were definitely spoiled having a landlord to call all those years we lived in Virginia! Throughout the year, we were able to complete many “home improvement” projects that included: painting and decorating Benjamin’s nursery, painting our bathroom, putting new light fixtures in both bathrooms, painting the dining room and bathroom, putting up chair rail, and retouching much of the paint on the outside doors and windows. We had the help of friends and family to complete many of these projects, and that definitely helped these two home owner “newbies” :)

In May, perhaps the greatest blessing of 2011 and dream fulfilled came in the form of our precious little boy Benjamin Harper. He was born on Mother’s Day, May 8, 2011 and he is sweeter and lovelier than I could have imagined. He’s got a precious disposition and his smile and big blue eyes can steal anyone’s heart. What an incredible joy he is to our family!

Benjamin’s entry made Abigail an official “Big Sister” and she plays the role quite well! She is very inquisitive of what he is doing, what he needs, and how he wants to “share” his toys. Abigail continues to amaze us with her abilities to count, do her letters, shapes, colors, and just digest and remember information! She really enjoys “watching daddy sing at church” and going to Puggles class in AWANA. Our big girl turned 3 this year, and loves dolls, ballerinas, having tea parties, and playing outside.

Another significantly huge milestone for our family happened in June, just after our 8^th wedding anniversary, when Joey officially celebrated his FIFTH year of remission and being cancer free. I remember when Joey was so very ill, and doctors weren’t sure if he’d make it through the year, and a five year remission anniversary seemed so distant. But God healed Joey then, and continues to sustain his health now. To celebrate this particular milestone, Abigail and I decorated the house with yellow streamers and balloons, took a yellow and white cake up to church, took him out to lunch, and got him a shirt that said “ReMission Accomplished.” It was a wonderful “5 Year Cancerversary” celebration.

October 2011 brought the one year anniversary since we packed up our Uhaul and left Lynchburg, and moved to Hartsville, also marking Joey’s first full year as the Worship Pastor at Emmanuel. He absolutely enjoys his job and the wonderful people he gets to serve with and work with.

Those are only a few milestones from the year, but each made a significant impact not only in our 2011, but in our lives, and each shows God’s faithfulness to us. As we look ahead to 2012, I pray that it is a year we can be content in knowing that HE is faithful, wants the best for us, and guides our steps and directs our paths.

**I wrote this blog post a bit over a week ago (just never got around to posting it), without any idea of what would unfold in the days ahead – surgery and days in the hospital for our little boy, mounting medical bills, unexpected time from work, and pure exhaustion. I think the final paragraph – the final sentence – were perhaps words God gave me to type then, knowing I may need them days later, just in time for the first challenge of 2012. “HE is faithful, wants the best for us, and guides our steps and directs our paths.”

Benjamin's Birth Story

Today my sweet baby boy is one month old. So I thought it fitting that I use today to write out the story of his incredible birth.

Benjamin’s Birth Story

On Sunday, May 8, I had big plans to celebrate Mother’s Day. I was four days from my due date, and was ready for a day of being spoiled, and having yummy food that I didn’t have to cook! Early Sunday morning Joey headed off to church as usual for service prep, and Abigail and I spent the first part of the morning cuddling in bed and watching cartoons. Soon though we were getting all dressed up to go to church and celebrate Mother’s Day. I had carefully made sure the whole family was color coordinated for the special day (blues and peachesJ), and I had plans for a lovely steak dinner (which I was seriously craving!) after church that day! It was to be a perfect day!

As I was moving around getting dressed, I noticed, well, to keep it less than graphic – things kept getting wet. Honestly, I thought the baby was on top of my bladder and I was having “control” issues! HA! This went on the entire morning, and I finally determined that perhaps my water was breaking. With Abigail my water didn’t break and this was a new “issue” to figure out. So I called my sister and told her what was happening, and asked her if she thought it was my water breaking, to which she gave a resounding “YES!” and said she’d have her phone on all during church and to text or call right away with an update after I talked to Joey.

Let me rewind for a moment… on the night before, Saturday, while sitting at dinner, I was whining to Joey that I knew I was just going to end up with another c-section if this baby didn’t come on his own. I was whining, in a very “10 months and ready to pop” kind of way, that I was 4cm dilated, effaced, I had been walking, and done all I could do and I just KNEW this baby wasn’t going to come. Which, in turn, meant c-section #2. He assured me, as the kind, loving, patient husband he is that it would all be fine, and there were still a few more days for things to happen. What a good, insightful man, who was about to get the phone call to let him know that he had been right! J

OK, so back to that morning…

I hung up with my sister, and looked at the clock, and saw it was just before 10am, and Joey would soon be heading to the choir room to warm up the choir and then to start service. This was my only chance to catch him. So, I called him right away, and told him I thought my water was breaking. He was SO excited. I could just hear it in his voice! We tried to come up with an immediate plan to get Abigail where she needed to be, but just weren’t making much sense. Finally we came up with a plan, and looking back, it all makes me laugh. But, ultimately, I packed Abigail up, drove her to church (yes, with my water leaking), took her to the nursery, met up with Joey who had just finished conducting the choir, and then we came home, packed up ourselves, and off we went to the hospital – still in my dress, high heels, jewelry and all.

Upon arriving at the hospital, close to 12o’clock, my water broke completely, and we were whisked upstairs to the Labor and Delivery floor. We were on our way to have our baby boy, and it looked like our VBAC was going to be a viable option.

Once we got settled in, I was already at about 5cm, and hardly having any contractions – it was great! Joey went down to get our bags from the car, and on the way saw a teacher from the church school, and she and her husband ended up going to get Joey lunch! It was so very sweet, and I was a good little wife and let him eat his Wendy’s right in front of me while I munched on my ice chips J

A bit later, at about 6 or 7cm, I finally gave in and got the epidural. WHEW! Now, that is a miraculous thing right there! I mean, it was nearly instant pain free labor. That anesthesiologist is a good man.

Soon after the epidural, my contractions slowed down a bit, so the doctor – who was AMAZING – decided to give a bit of pitocin just to get the contractions stronger because I was already dilated so much, he wanted to get the baby moving more to avoid a c-section.

I must pause here to say that God absolutely had the perfect doctor on call for our delivery. He was positive and kind with a great bed-side manner, we saw him get very serious when needed, and he was all for a VBac if it could be done safely. It was an answer to prayer to have this doctor, and I am so grateful for him!

Around 5pm, my mom arrived from Charleston! We were so excited she was able to get to the hospital on time, and offered to let her stay in the room for the delivery. It was not only very special to have her there, but she was on camera duty and got some great pictures throughout the afternoon and night, but she also provided us with some great entertainment!

My mom started a “game” on Facebook so people could guess when the baby would be born. Well, it took off!!! At one point, we had nearly 100 posts and comments with guesses about when he would be born. As time started passing, the nurses would say “Well, whoever guessed 6 just lost.” Or “Tell people I think it will be closer to 7:30.” So, the nurses were in on it, my mom was reading the posts to us, we were all laughing, and even the doctor got in on the fun. It was great to have such a laid back labor and delivery room!!!

By 7pm, I was almost fully dilated after being in the hospital for 7 hours. Once again though, my contractions weren’t strong enough to move the baby, so the doctor upped the pitocin. And sure enough, by 8pm I was fully dilated and ready to push (but not before my mom posted this on Facebook so people could update their guesses in the “birth time game”) J

And so we began pushing. I naively thought it would be a few pushes and out would come my beautiful baby. Was I wrong! Half an hour in, I thought I had made little progress, and was getting discouraged, despite the encouragement and kind words from the nurses and my sweet Joey. An hour in to pushing, still no baby, and I was getting exhausted. The doctor gave me a 15 minute break to relax – I took it!

Before we started up again, the doctor offered to use a vacuum, but I said not unless it was absolutely totally necessary. So, we started pushing again. At this point, I could really start to feel pain – significant amounts of pain. My epidural was wearing off. They tried to make adjustments, but at the end, this would turn out to be a blessing in disguise because actually feeling the pain of the labor allowed me to push better and finally get my baby boy out!

Well, during the second hour of pushing, that room got ridiculously hot, I was eating ice chips left and right, and was getting more exhausted by the moment. But, we still managed to keep the overall mood in the room was still rather laid back and I was candidly honest with them about how I was feeling - so much so, that it was quite out of character and looking back now I just laugh at some of the things I said! My mom was in the corner, texting a play by play of the events to my sisters, including all of the comical and straightforward remarks I was making. Joey was ever steady, and didn’t leave my side. We were all taking bets on if our newest addition would come out with blonde hair like his big sister had done, or surprise us all and come out with dark hair. The doctor was rocking in the rocking chair at one point with his eyes closed, just letting the nurses guide me along, then he would sit up, take a peak, and slightly holler “push Cynthia!” then go back to his rocking chair or his Android phone.

Following a check, the doctor said “how big was your other baby’s head?” I said “in the 90^th percentile – thanks for bringing that up right about now.” And everyone laughed, and the doctor said “well, I think we’ve got another big head here.” To which I mumbled something, laughed, and kept pushing.

While we were in the second hour of pushing, we found out that because I was a VBAC, the entire operating room staff had to stay on the floor until the baby was born! So, they weren’t going home until I had that baby. One of the operating room nurses came in and said “ok, let’s get this baby out!” and yelled at him to “come towards the light”. Again, it was just a comfortable atmosphere where we were all trying to stay calm and use laughter to break up the seriousness and exhaustion of how long I had been pushing. Fortunately, this particular nurse from the operating staff stayed the rest of the time, and ended up being a great help to me, and a good source of distraction with her very calming demeanor.

About 2 full hours of pushing, I was beyond hot, exhausted, and I started actually started apologizing to Joey and the nurses! But Joey’s reply was reassuring and encouraging, soft spoken and loving, telling me I was doing great, and our son would be here soon. Looking back, it makes me chuckle now to think that I apologized, but at the time I felt like I wasn’t doing my “job” well enough and that’s why our baby still hadn’t joined us.

One of the nurses had told me that once the doctor started getting “dressed” that it was close. First, he put on his shoe covers, and I noticed right away, and honestly, that spurred me on to keep going. Then, I saw his hat go on, so I kept pushing. Then he was fully dressed, and I knew, after over two hours of pushing, my sweet boy was about to arrive. My mom was furiously texting my sisters, letting them know it was close, Joey was grinning from ear to ear, and coaching his little heart out with absolute excitement in his voice, our doctor was exclaiming “Push Cynthia!”, and those amazing nurses just kept counting to five J

Then finally, after nearly 2.5 hours of pushing, I saw my sweet baby boy miraculously arrive into this world. And all was perfect.

Our little Benjamin Harper Colson had arrived at 10:15pm, 8 pounds and 20 ¼ inches long, with a head full of dark hair and a tender cry that stopped the instant I held him.

What a magnificent Mother’s Day gift. I hope I can always remember each smell, moment, sound, and emotion from those hours, and that one most incredible instant that ultimately gave us Benjamin’s Birth Story.

Capturing the Moments

Today has been one of those days where my little girl seemed to wake up on the “wrong side” of her toddler bed. She started the morning very needy and whiny, it took us much longer to get out of the house and start our day because she wasn’t being exactly cooperative, and even once we got where we were going, she just seemed to be having a difficult day.

Honestly, I dealt with it for a while, but finally the crying and begging just made me agitated to the point that I just kind of tuned her out.

We got home, and I changed her clothes for nap time, and she then proceeded to, when I turned my back for two seconds, go into the bathroom and climb right into the bathtub, wet with water from her bath the night before. There she sat, fully clothed, playing with her bath toys. I quickly got her out, changed her yet again so she would be in dry clothes, and then finally put her in bed.

But, as I sit her while she naps, I started reflecting on the morning, and find the recent moments of our day tugging at my heartstrings.

It seems that with each passing day, my little girl is growing into a big girl. And I know there will be moments where she will not beg for goldfish every two seconds, cry over her shoes, beg for mommy to hold her, or get into the tub fully clothed.

Although I might not consider this day “ideal”, I hope that I have relished even those not so stellar moments and allowed them to soak in, so that 2, 4, or 10 years from now, I can remember those days when she was my baby girl, and look back on them fondly, with a smile, and just laugh. I hope that I have taken time, amidst telling her "no" or correcting her behavior, to etch in my mind and on my heart not just the seemingly “perfect” days, but even days like today.

I remember when she was an infant, I would smell her and think “memorize this” or I would look at myself in the mirror while I was holding her and think “memorize this – soak it in.” Even now, as she says her prayers, crawls in her big girl bed, sits on my lap to read a story, or sings a song, I find myself wanting to capture each memory not just on a camera, but on my heart, in my mind.

I can’t make time stand still – my child was created by God for a unique purpose – so she must continue to grow into who He made her to be. But, I hope that in all my moments with her, not just her angelic ones, that I take time to remember that her growth is a process, and even when it includes getting in the bathtub fully clothed, I want to not get so caught up in the exhaustion and frustration of being “mommy” that I can’t take time to capture and memorize even those moments, knowing they will be gone as quickly as they arrived.

One Little Miracle

Psalm 56:8 – You keep track of all my sorrows, You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in Your book…….Psalm 30:5b – But weeping may go on all night, but JOY comes in the morning…….Psalm 40:1 – I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my Cry…….Psalm 37: 4 – But take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your Heart…….Psalm 40:5a – Oh Lord my God, you have done many miracles for us…

One Little Miracle

In January 2010, Joey and I started the journey to have our second child. As many of you know, due to Joey’s cancer, having a child is not an easy process for us. But, our desire has always been to have a house full of children and so this was the next natural step. We knew we had just a few limited tries, so each IUI attempt would be crucial, and after talking with our fertility doctors, we approached the treatments quite aggressively.

Several tries came and went, and then in May, as many of people know, we got news that we were pregnant, only to discover that we would miscarry just days later. My emotions and my body were at their breaking point from the fertility treatments and medications, so we took three months off. I worked out incessantly, ran as far as my feet would go, and lost 20 pounds. During this time I also tried to prepare myself more spiritually. One of my Bible readings included the story of Abraham and Sarah and how against all odds, God gave them a child. I actually prayed many times, letting God know that I was fully aware, and trusting, that the same God who gave Sarah a child when she was so old was the same God of today, and I knew He could give me a child too if it was His will. In fact, I recall a night where Joey and I were laying in bed, unable to sleep, and I told him about how I had read about Sarah and Abraham, and how God gave them a baby when it seemed nearly impossible, and that I was, in my own way, clinging to that hope. Throughout those weeks I also read a lot of Psalms, and little did I know how much I would need those verses of praise and reassurance in the weeks ahead.

So finally, August 19 came, and it was the day for our very last try to have our own biological children. It was an emotional day for both of us as we drove the 3 hour round trip to the fertility doctor’s office for our final IUI. We thanked our doctors, gave them hugs, and walked out, knowing only time would tell.

About a week and a half after our last try, we were down in Hartsville, SC looking at houses. Things started happening prematurely and it was then, on our last day there, that the reality struck that we would never have any more biological children. I tucked the emotions away so we could get through the day and look at houses, but then once I got home, I was flooded with a torrent of emotions. It was then that I remembered the verse I had read just weeks before: Psalm 56:8 – You keep track of all my sorrows, You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in Your book. Although my heart was broken, I knew that God was seeing each tear that fell – and believe me, there were many, but I had to trust that He had a plan.

Just as Joey and I were trying to wrap our brains around this news, I spoke with a nurse from the fertility office; this nurse in particular is my favorite nurse, so I was pleased to get her on the phone. I told her what had been happening, and her voice got very quiet over the phone as she apologized, but she said that in order to “close the book” they needed me to take a pregnancy test. Now, I thought it was quite cruel to tell someone who just found out they can never have their own children again to take a pregnancy test, but nonetheless, I took it. And I waited…. And to my shock, the digital screen read “pregnant.”

I immediately called the doctor’s office back, and they instructed me to get bloodwork done in the morning. Upon receiving the bloodwork the next day, the same, kind nurse called me and said that my numbers did indicate that I “had” been pregnant but had miscarried and would probably “finish the process” in a few days. What a jolt to our system. Here we thought our last try hadn’t worked, only to find out it had, but then we miscarried – our third miscarriage. We were broken. Again, I kept reminding myself that God saw all our tears, and I then as I lay in bed crying at night, I thought of another verse in Psalms. Psalm 30:5b – But weeping may go on all night, but JOY comes in the morning. I didn’t know what the “JOY” would look like or how that would manifest itself, but I had to trust that He had a plan and have HOPE in Him. (Jeremiah 29:11).

After two days, I went to get bloodwork again, and within a few hours, the doctor himself called me. He wanted to personally inform me that my numbers had doubled UP, not gone down further. He indicated that he was still very concerned, so perhaps this was a lab error, but he wanted to continue to monitor the situation. At that point, Joey and I, along with some family and friends, started praying earnestly that God would bless whatever was happening with these numbers and just give us a miracle if it was in His plan for us. I was claiming Psalm 37: 4 – But take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your Heart., quoting it to myself over and over, pleading that this would be our “joy in the morning.” I also took hold of Jeremiah 29:11, believing that no matter what, God had a plan for us and our job was to TRUST, no matter how hard that might be.

Two days later, blood work revealed the numbers had tripled. Two days later, the numbers had doubled, and two days later, the numbers tripled again. Our doctors scheduled us for an early pregnancy scan that would take place on a Monday.

On the Saturday night before our scan, just two days away, I started bleeding. Thoughts of miscarriage ran through my mind, and after calling the doctor, he instructed us to come up first thing Sunday morning, rather than Monday. That Sunday trip to Charlottesville was awfully quiet, both of us unsure of what we would see. All of the ups and downs of the last two weeks came down to this.

As we sat there, this teeny tiny white bubble came up on the screen. The doctor said “that’s a baby.” Even as I write this I can’t convey the emotions we felt in that moment. We were so excited, yet we didn’t want to lose the baby. I was still bleeding, and the scans also showed that my ovaries were still extremely enlarged, nearly double the size they should be, due to the fertility medications of the last treatment, and were in danger of possibly rupturing. So, I was placed on bed rest and told to come back in a week. We sent sweet Abigail to my sister’s house to be cared for so that I could rest, and then all we could do was wait. Wait to see what happened with me, what happened with the baby, and wait to see what God had in store for us as a family, and pray with the faith of a mustard seed that God would heal me and grow this precious baby

A week went by and we went back, again unsure of what we’d see. But once more, God displayed his marvelous love for us by allowing us to see a baby that had doubled in size, and had a good, strong heartbeat. Psalm 40:1 – I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my Cry.

One more week went by, and we went back again to see our doctors. At this point, I was 7 weeks pregnant. During this appointment, the doctor explained that, based on what he was seeing, he believed I had originally conceived multiples, and in those early days five weeks prior, that to me signified that there was no pregnancy, I had actually miscarried part of that multiple group. We were so saddened and hurt by this news, but during the ultrasound on that day, God again provided a miracle. Again, JOY comes. In the monitor we saw one precious tiny baby that had again doubled in size, with a strong heartbeat. And then - Finally, our doctor, who is carefully cautious, said “congratulations.” And, a moment that will be etched in my mind forever is when the baby came up on the ultrasound screen, the nurse that was in the room with us, the kind, sweet nurse that weeks ago had softly said “I’m sorry” over the phone, started jumping up and down in the exam room and waving her arms in the air! Once the doctor left, she came over and gave Joey and me both hugs. To her, it was “official” – we had a baby. As we left that day, Joey and I were ecstatic, and so thankful that God had seen fit to let us have this precious baby this far. Later that night, I again thought of a verse in Psalms, and was so grateful that even at this early point and through the most bizarre, abnormal, and unexpected circumstances, we could rejoice that God had given us the desires of our hearts, hearts which so deeply longed for another baby. Psalm 37: 4 – But take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your Heart.

Finally, we went for our 8 week ultrasound – just over 2 months pregnant. Once again, the doctor used the words “great” and “normal” more times that we could count. The baby had grown perfectly, and had a strong healthy heartbeat. It was also at this visit that our fertility doctors “released” us, handing me over to my local doctor. This was an emotional time as we said goodbye to the amazing staff that God has worked through so many times to bring us comfort on those many difficult days, to help us gain knowledge needed about this sometimes overwhelming process, and most importantly, to give us Abigail, and now this precious baby. We hugged them, I cried, and we told them “thank you” for everything they had done for us as a family. As we left that day, the older doctor in the practice looked at me and said “I think you’re both going to be just fine.” It was a wonderful moment - Psalm 40:5a – Oh Lord my God, you have done many miracles for us…

So, we can finally say with great joy that we are PREGNANT, and that we are having another precious baby. The road here was not easy, and although it’s still “high risk,” we know that God kept this tiny little one safe in His hands for His purpose, and has brought us this far as part of His perfect plan for us. He made a way for this pregnancy to be viable when others, including us, had thought that dream was long gone. God is SO good and we are praying and trusting Him to carry us throughout the rest of this pregnancy, and in the meantime, I think I will enjoy lots of pretzels, ice cream, and crackers :)