One Little Miracle

Psalm 56:8 – You keep track of all my sorrows, You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in Your book…….Psalm 30:5b – But weeping may go on all night, but JOY comes in the morning…….Psalm 40:1 – I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my Cry…….Psalm 37: 4 – But take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your Heart…….Psalm 40:5a – Oh Lord my God, you have done many miracles for us…

One Little Miracle

In January 2010, Joey and I started the journey to have our second child. As many of you know, due to Joey’s cancer, having a child is not an easy process for us. But, our desire has always been to have a house full of children and so this was the next natural step. We knew we had just a few limited tries, so each IUI attempt would be crucial, and after talking with our fertility doctors, we approached the treatments quite aggressively.

Several tries came and went, and then in May, as many of people know, we got news that we were pregnant, only to discover that we would miscarry just days later. My emotions and my body were at their breaking point from the fertility treatments and medications, so we took three months off. I worked out incessantly, ran as far as my feet would go, and lost 20 pounds. During this time I also tried to prepare myself more spiritually. One of my Bible readings included the story of Abraham and Sarah and how against all odds, God gave them a child. I actually prayed many times, letting God know that I was fully aware, and trusting, that the same God who gave Sarah a child when she was so old was the same God of today, and I knew He could give me a child too if it was His will. In fact, I recall a night where Joey and I were laying in bed, unable to sleep, and I told him about how I had read about Sarah and Abraham, and how God gave them a baby when it seemed nearly impossible, and that I was, in my own way, clinging to that hope. Throughout those weeks I also read a lot of Psalms, and little did I know how much I would need those verses of praise and reassurance in the weeks ahead.

So finally, August 19 came, and it was the day for our very last try to have our own biological children. It was an emotional day for both of us as we drove the 3 hour round trip to the fertility doctor’s office for our final IUI. We thanked our doctors, gave them hugs, and walked out, knowing only time would tell.

About a week and a half after our last try, we were down in Hartsville, SC looking at houses. Things started happening prematurely and it was then, on our last day there, that the reality struck that we would never have any more biological children. I tucked the emotions away so we could get through the day and look at houses, but then once I got home, I was flooded with a torrent of emotions. It was then that I remembered the verse I had read just weeks before: Psalm 56:8 – You keep track of all my sorrows, You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in Your book. Although my heart was broken, I knew that God was seeing each tear that fell – and believe me, there were many, but I had to trust that He had a plan.

Just as Joey and I were trying to wrap our brains around this news, I spoke with a nurse from the fertility office; this nurse in particular is my favorite nurse, so I was pleased to get her on the phone. I told her what had been happening, and her voice got very quiet over the phone as she apologized, but she said that in order to “close the book” they needed me to take a pregnancy test. Now, I thought it was quite cruel to tell someone who just found out they can never have their own children again to take a pregnancy test, but nonetheless, I took it. And I waited…. And to my shock, the digital screen read “pregnant.”

I immediately called the doctor’s office back, and they instructed me to get bloodwork done in the morning. Upon receiving the bloodwork the next day, the same, kind nurse called me and said that my numbers did indicate that I “had” been pregnant but had miscarried and would probably “finish the process” in a few days. What a jolt to our system. Here we thought our last try hadn’t worked, only to find out it had, but then we miscarried – our third miscarriage. We were broken. Again, I kept reminding myself that God saw all our tears, and I then as I lay in bed crying at night, I thought of another verse in Psalms. Psalm 30:5b – But weeping may go on all night, but JOY comes in the morning. I didn’t know what the “JOY” would look like or how that would manifest itself, but I had to trust that He had a plan and have HOPE in Him. (Jeremiah 29:11).

After two days, I went to get bloodwork again, and within a few hours, the doctor himself called me. He wanted to personally inform me that my numbers had doubled UP, not gone down further. He indicated that he was still very concerned, so perhaps this was a lab error, but he wanted to continue to monitor the situation. At that point, Joey and I, along with some family and friends, started praying earnestly that God would bless whatever was happening with these numbers and just give us a miracle if it was in His plan for us. I was claiming Psalm 37: 4 – But take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your Heart., quoting it to myself over and over, pleading that this would be our “joy in the morning.” I also took hold of Jeremiah 29:11, believing that no matter what, God had a plan for us and our job was to TRUST, no matter how hard that might be.

Two days later, blood work revealed the numbers had tripled. Two days later, the numbers had doubled, and two days later, the numbers tripled again. Our doctors scheduled us for an early pregnancy scan that would take place on a Monday.

On the Saturday night before our scan, just two days away, I started bleeding. Thoughts of miscarriage ran through my mind, and after calling the doctor, he instructed us to come up first thing Sunday morning, rather than Monday. That Sunday trip to Charlottesville was awfully quiet, both of us unsure of what we would see. All of the ups and downs of the last two weeks came down to this.

As we sat there, this teeny tiny white bubble came up on the screen. The doctor said “that’s a baby.” Even as I write this I can’t convey the emotions we felt in that moment. We were so excited, yet we didn’t want to lose the baby. I was still bleeding, and the scans also showed that my ovaries were still extremely enlarged, nearly double the size they should be, due to the fertility medications of the last treatment, and were in danger of possibly rupturing. So, I was placed on bed rest and told to come back in a week. We sent sweet Abigail to my sister’s house to be cared for so that I could rest, and then all we could do was wait. Wait to see what happened with me, what happened with the baby, and wait to see what God had in store for us as a family, and pray with the faith of a mustard seed that God would heal me and grow this precious baby

A week went by and we went back, again unsure of what we’d see. But once more, God displayed his marvelous love for us by allowing us to see a baby that had doubled in size, and had a good, strong heartbeat. Psalm 40:1 – I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my Cry.

One more week went by, and we went back again to see our doctors. At this point, I was 7 weeks pregnant. During this appointment, the doctor explained that, based on what he was seeing, he believed I had originally conceived multiples, and in those early days five weeks prior, that to me signified that there was no pregnancy, I had actually miscarried part of that multiple group. We were so saddened and hurt by this news, but during the ultrasound on that day, God again provided a miracle. Again, JOY comes. In the monitor we saw one precious tiny baby that had again doubled in size, with a strong heartbeat. And then - Finally, our doctor, who is carefully cautious, said “congratulations.” And, a moment that will be etched in my mind forever is when the baby came up on the ultrasound screen, the nurse that was in the room with us, the kind, sweet nurse that weeks ago had softly said “I’m sorry” over the phone, started jumping up and down in the exam room and waving her arms in the air! Once the doctor left, she came over and gave Joey and me both hugs. To her, it was “official” – we had a baby. As we left that day, Joey and I were ecstatic, and so thankful that God had seen fit to let us have this precious baby this far. Later that night, I again thought of a verse in Psalms, and was so grateful that even at this early point and through the most bizarre, abnormal, and unexpected circumstances, we could rejoice that God had given us the desires of our hearts, hearts which so deeply longed for another baby. Psalm 37: 4 – But take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your Heart.

Finally, we went for our 8 week ultrasound – just over 2 months pregnant. Once again, the doctor used the words “great” and “normal” more times that we could count. The baby had grown perfectly, and had a strong healthy heartbeat. It was also at this visit that our fertility doctors “released” us, handing me over to my local doctor. This was an emotional time as we said goodbye to the amazing staff that God has worked through so many times to bring us comfort on those many difficult days, to help us gain knowledge needed about this sometimes overwhelming process, and most importantly, to give us Abigail, and now this precious baby. We hugged them, I cried, and we told them “thank you” for everything they had done for us as a family. As we left that day, the older doctor in the practice looked at me and said “I think you’re both going to be just fine.” It was a wonderful moment - Psalm 40:5a – Oh Lord my God, you have done many miracles for us…

So, we can finally say with great joy that we are PREGNANT, and that we are having another precious baby. The road here was not easy, and although it’s still “high risk,” we know that God kept this tiny little one safe in His hands for His purpose, and has brought us this far as part of His perfect plan for us. He made a way for this pregnancy to be viable when others, including us, had thought that dream was long gone. God is SO good and we are praying and trusting Him to carry us throughout the rest of this pregnancy, and in the meantime, I think I will enjoy lots of pretzels, ice cream, and crackers :)