This past weekend, I was anticipating this week with so much excitement. It was our 7 year wedding anniversary on Monday, and Joey’s 4 Year “Cancer-versary” on Tuesday - Both reminders of God’s goodness and faithfulness to us in our lives. It was to be a weekend and early week of celebration!
Little did I know that we would need these immediate reminders of God’s love, grace, healing, and presence in our lives to carry us through the week with the reminder that HE has a perfect plan for us, even when we don’t understand.
Please know that what I’m about to write about on this blog is just based on my personal experience, and I know that many people see this topic as one that should be kept very private and it’s not often discussed. I don’t mean to offend anyone. I just feel like it is better when some experiences are just “put out there” and brought to the surface so there’s no awkwardness. Also, if we talk about cancer, death, sickness, or other medical problems, why can’t this too be discussed and shared? I know it’s such a delicate topic, to be handled carefully, I just want to be honest, and who knows, maybe in the process touch someone else who has been where I’ve been, or who might be there one day.
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Unbeknownst to really anyone, Joey and I have been going through a grueling fertility process for the past several months. Long story short, we only have a few precious tries to have our own children due to Joey’s cancer, and we were down to the last try or two, with no positive result. Then, when we least expected it, a positive pregnancy test. God had given us a miracle.
Then, in the midst of spending a slow, lazy day together on Monday, and reminiscing about our 7 years of wonderful marriage together, I began to have a miscarriage, my second since 2007. I sat there stunned, hurt, broken, and yet, unusually calm. I sat for several minutes, wanting inside to breakdown sobbing and crying, yet having this instant peace that kept me held together.
Honestly, though my heart was breaking, God provided me with HIS truth to every thought that was racing through my mind in that moment.
I knew I had just lost a precious baby, yet I knew that baby was in Heaven. I thought of how God had “knitted this baby in my womb.” Psalm 139:13 and HE had a plan for this baby.
I knew this was not what I wanted, especially after how hard we had “worked” to get to this point, but yet I kept thinking “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not unto your OWN understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him.” Proverbs 3:5-6
I sat on the side of the bed with Joey and through quiet tears, told him that my heart was broken, and I was so tired from the fertility process and so burnt out. But, I felt like God was holding me together, and that I knew He had a plan. We talked about a book we’ve read called God Meant if for Good that talks about how so many times there were circumstance in the Bible that, to the naked eye, seemed hopeless, yet God used them to create some of His greatest miracles or to mold men who would make history for His kingdom. We had to trust that in His way, this would work for His good and His glory.
As the night wore on, and I continued the process of miscarrying, I found that I didn’t want to talk to anyone. There was so much going on in my head, and with my emotions, that I just wanted some time to process it.
And yet, I couldn’t get away from His truths, and so many others, that I’ve learned firsthand over the last few years. When I was lying on my bed, crying, I looked up and saw the framed article I had written about Joey’s battle with cancer – the article is titled “The Anchor Holds.” If you think of that song, it says the ship is battered, and I knew, after all those fertility treatments and now this, my body was battered. But there, at the end of that article, I saw a picture of my healthy husband, and thought “How can I doubt God’s faithfulness? His plan? His love for us?” One of Joey’s favorite verses during the year he had cancer was Job 23:10, “But He knows the way that I take, and when He has tried me I will come forth as gold.” God was not taken by surprise by this loss, and I HAD to trust Him – He knows my path, my journey, and where He’s taking us.
Over and over that night, God surrounded us with His peace and presence, in a way that only come from HIM – “And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will guard your hearts.” Philippians 4:7. This doesn’t mean that our hearts didn’t hurt and break over the loss of our unborn baby, that just meant, for me, that in the midst of that hurt I could trust in Him and have HOPE because He always has our best interest in mind – “And we know that all things work together for the good of those who love Him.” Romans 8:28.
The next day on Tuesday, Joey’s 4 year Remission mark, I was surrounded by memories of Christ’s faithfulness to Joey and me and the truth that His “grace is sufficient [and His] power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9. As I sat at home, I also remembered that one of the key lessons I personally learned that year was that as Christians, it’s not our job to understand WHY – it’s our job to simply TRUST. Here I was, remembering this lesson, on an extremely challenging day, and I was convicted that I had to live it out, even in this circumstance. Again, this didn’t make the hurt less, but it once more helped me re-establish that I have to trust in His ultimate plan for my life, and for our family.
As I went to the hospital on Wednesday to have blood-work testing done, I turned on the radio. I don’t think it was a coincidence, but the song “He is with You” by Mandisa was playing. I turned it up and listened, certain that God had that song playing just for me. If you haven’t heard that song, it talks about how there is a time for everything, and how even in the hardest circumstances, God is with us. Yes, that song was playing just for me, in that moment. Again, God was making His presence known in the midst of my hurt and circumstances.
I don’t know what the future holds for our family. I will be taking several months off from the world of fertility treatments to let my body and emotions heal, and I don’t know what will happen when we try again with so few tries left, or how my body will hold up in the process. But what I DO know is this - I know that He is holding two precious little babies that Joey and I love dearly and will meet some day, and that I have a God who knows the path that I take, and that He loves me unconditionally, and it is those truths that bring comfort and peace that only HE can give.
“For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11
