The Story of US...

**In honor of our 12 year “Dating” Anniversary, I wanted to write out the Story of Us….

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While Joey will tell you he remembers the moment I walked into the band room, our freshman year of high school, and the exact outfit I had on, I have to admit that during our freshman year of high school I had no idea who Joey Colson was. In fact, my first memory of Joey was during our 10^th grade year. He was tall, skinny, quiet, and very kind. He also had a reputation as a pretty solid Christian. So, it doesn’t surprise me that the moment that sticks out to me when I really noticed him was when, during a band practice, I was saying some things a good Christian girl really shouldn’t say, and Joey, knowing I was a PK (pastor’s kid), looked me directly in the eye and without even saying a word, pointed to his What Would Jesus Do bracelet. Although I knew he was right, it annoyed me, but one thing is for certain, I now knew who Joey Colson was, and he had my attention.

That year we continued to interact, and found that we had a few classes the same. Joey was the class genius, who was naturally gifted in all things academic, yet still quiet and humble. I was the girl in the honors classes who worked and worked and clawed my way through with work ethic and my own drive to try to be among the best. We were in some of the same classes, but very different students!

The end of sophomore year came and went, and Joey and I had established a good friendship. Besides, we were both very much into band, and Joey had been selected as the drum major for the following year, while I was one of the squad leaders for the trumpet section. So, we had that much in common.

That summer, just before school started back, I was in Florida with my parents, and my sister called to give me a message that a boy named Joey had called. I couldn’t tell you why then, but I got VERY excited to know he had called and couldn’t wait to call him back! My parents just smiled, and I’m thinking they knew then way more than I did about this Joey Colson and how he would be an integral part of my life!

So I called him, and we talked on the phone for hours. School got started, and not only did we spend countless hours a week in marching band rehearsals (where I loved to watch him conduct and be such a leader in his own very humble way), but as it would turn out, we had even more classes together. We were in Driver’s Ed together, and were actually paired up as driving partners – I tell him I’m still the better driver :) We sat right across from each other in computer class, and I desperately needed his help in our math class! So, our friendship continued, but in high school you get those warm fuzzies for that “special someone” and boy did I have them for Joey Colson!

Finally, Joey explained to me that he had similar feelings, but didn’t feel we should start “going out” until band season was officially over. And that’s exactly how it happened. After our last marching competition for the year, on November 1^st, we had a long bus ride home, and we were sitting together, and he finally said “will you be my girlfriend”, which seems so funny now but back then was just oh so romantic :) Of course I said “yes” and we were “official.” Not too long after the news spread through the bus, entire groups of students started belting out loud renditions of “Going to the Chapel.” How funny that 5 years later, we really did.

Throughout our Junior and Senior years, Joey continued to impress me. He sharpened me spiritually, upheld a phenomenal testimony at school, and excelled academically, ultimately ending up with a nearly perfect SAT score and as the class Valedictorian. To say I was one proud girlfriend would be a complete understatement. He had hundreds of thousands of dollars in scholarships to any school he wanted to go to, but I will never forget the afternoon he sat down with me and said that because he felt led to go into full time ministry, he wanted to go to Liberty. He didn’t have nearly as much scholarship money for this school, would actually have to take out a student loan, and he would be 7 hours away. I was familiar with Liberty because my sisters had gone there, and wanted to go there myself, but didn’t have the funds available, so I knew what he was saying was that we would be apart for at least a year until I could transfer up, but this is what he had to do. We enjoyed our time together, and before he left he gave me a Promise Ring, and we knew we’d be ok, but I still have etched perfectly in my memory the day he drove off to LU in his Jeep. I sobbed for hours I think!

I stayed home and went to school at Charleston Southern for a year on a full ride, took nearly double a full load of classes, and worked as hard as I could to save money. Actually, most of my money went to pay the phone bills for all of our long distance calling from Lynchburg, VA to Goose Creek, SC! It was a difficult year, but we remained solid, and actually grew a ton from it, and it only solidified that Joey was the man God had for me.

In the fall of 2001 we both headed to Liberty together. It was a great year, we were both on hall leadership, and actually had been chosen to be Resident Assistants (RAs) the following year. The even better news though, was that I had doubled up so much on my courses at CSU, I was going to be able to graduate after just two years at Liberty, three years total. And, because Joey had transferred in so many college credits from high school, he would only need one semester beyond me. To us, finishing early meant one thing – WEDDING BELLS!

The summer of 2002 Joey worked three jobs, including interning at our church, and I only realized later that he was working to pay off a gorgeous ring that he would give me later that summer!!! He proposed to me on the beach, near the exact same spots he had told me he loved me for the first time, and given me my promise ring just years before. I need to stop here and explain that getting permission from my dad to marry me was no difficult task for Joey – to say my family adored him would be a complete understatement. They loved Joey so much, that at one point my mom told me that if I ever broke up with him they were keeping HIM! My dad and Joey were the best of friends, and dad knew, probably far earlier than Joey and I ever even did, that he was the man God had made just for me.

We returned to Liberty for what would be my senior year, and Joey’s almost senior year. We were RA’s, planning a wedding, in the toughest courses of our schooling, and I was working to write my senior honor’s thesis. It was a very difficult year, but we just kept focused on the goal… May 31^st! That, and God’s grace, are I’m pretty sure all that got us through that year! But, graduation came, I got my diploma, and just two weeks later we got married on May 31^st, 2003! I can honestly say that day was a dream come true, and I really did marry my best friend.

After getting married we returned to Lynchburg, VA so Joey could get his seminary degree. We both were working, and had our entire set of “plans” ready to go. Joey was on track to finish Seminary in two years, we knew exactly when we wanted to start a family, were saving what we could, and in two years we’d head to a church for full time ministry.

It’s funny though, even when our own plans seems so “perfect,” God allows for other plans, and on June 22, 2005, just after our 2 year wedding anniversary, Joey was diagnosed with Rhabdomyosarcoma. This very rare, highly malignant cancer was a shock to everyone. Joey was so healthy, and all he wanted to do was serve Him in ministry. The doctors’ perspectives were grim, and at one point it seemed they were hopeless as statistics basically suggested we should get Joey’s affairs in order. In addition, we were told that if by chance he did survive, having biological children would be next to impossible.

We decided to fight his cancer, and after two surgeries, a year of hospitalized chemotherapy treatments, six weeks of daily radiation treatments, more drugs than I can even describe, and the fervent prayers of thousands of believers, Joey walked out of the University of Virginia hospital on June 1, 2006 cancer free – just one day after our 3 year wedding anniversary. I could never put into words all that I saw Joey go through that year – the pain, the burns, the comatose days, the sickness – but yet through it all he never complained, he always smiled, and he shared the love of Christ with his nurses, doctors, and other cancer patients. My husband is absolutely my hero, my walking miracle from God, and a steadfast example of faith.

Once Joey was completely done with treatments, we tried to find our new “normal.” Slowly, Joey returned to work, and eventually, started his schooling back up. He still knew that God wanted him in ministry, and he was determined to finish that Seminary degree. Since I knew we had some time in Lynchburg, I also pursued my Masters from the University of Virginia during that time, so we both enjoyed late nights of school work together.

In 2007, Joey and I decided we wanted to see if we could start a family. One of Joey’s cancer doctors, in great wisdom because we were so young, had the foresight to send Joey to a fertility doctor prior to starting his chemotherapy. This would allow us at least a few attempts to have a biological child. So, we went back to meet with those same doctors, and the fertility treatment process began. We had no idea what a roller coaster we were in for. The first treatment worked, but we miscarried. After several more tries, God blessed us with a healthy pregnancy, and we were due November 2008.

By the spring of 2008 Joey and I were both ready to graduate. I graduated with a Masters of Education from the University of Virginia, and Joey finally got his Masters of Arts in Religion and Church Ministries. We were elated! Next up, it was time to prepare for our little Abigail Mia to make her appearance a few months later. In preparation for Abigail, I quit my full time job as a teacher, and taught courses part time as an adjunct professor for Liberty. Then, in November, after not knowing if we’d ever have our own little baby, Abigail Mia Colson was born. A lot of people say Abigail is our miracle baby, and while every baby is a precious miracle from God, I’d have to agree that she was our special miracle.

I became a full time stay at home mommy, teaching part time online, and Joey continued to work at Liberty. We knew God had an ultimate plan for us, but for now, Lynchburg was where we needed to be. Joey’s doctors were there, and Joey’s health insurance was locked into his job at Liberty. So, we continued to enjoy our time there and grow as a family.

During April 2009, Joey and I witnessed my dad’s health steadily decline, and as both of us were so close to him, this was a difficult time for both of us. Dad passed away that April, and Joey and I felt a huge sadness and void, but it caused us to really start focusing on things of eternal value and lasting significance. What did God have in store for us? What could we do to minister to others and leave a legacy? By the fall of 2009, Joey and I both felt that God was moving in our hearts, and that our time in Lynchburg would soon be coming to a close. We didn’t know exactly what that would look like, but we just felt burdened that it was going to be time to move on. So, we began earnestly praying that God would show us exactly what He wanted for us and give us total peace about His plan for us.

By January of 2010, we were still waiting to know exactly what God would have for us, but decided that while we were in Lynchburg to talk to the fertility doctors again. They thought that we had at least a few more tries to have another biological child, but we all knew those tries were very limited and then that would be it. We got pregnant on the second try, only to miscarry that baby. After that, we knew we only had one try left, so we decided to take a break for a few months.

During this time, Joey got a phone call to come down to Hartsville and check out a church that had an opening for a Worship Pastor spot. It was an open door, and a church we were familiar with, and we went, praying that God would either open or shut the doors so we clearly knew His plan for us.

After visiting the church, we returned to Lynchburg and during that time attempted our very last try at having a baby. We got pregnant with multiples, only to miscarry all but one, but God has seen fit to let that little fighter continue to thrive and survive - Another precious miracle in our lives due May 12, 2011.

So, fast forward 12 years later to today, 12 years since a quiet, kind, blond boy asked me to be his girlfriend, and here we are. We are in Hartsville, SC. Joey is working in a great church, we’ve been blessed with an amazing little girl, another baby on the way, and I can honestly say that I am married to my absolute best friend, and while these past 12 years, especially these past 7 years have been one incredible journey, I couldn’t have done it with anyone else by my side. God has truly blessed me to have such an incredible husband, and I can’t wait to see how the Story of Us continues to unfold….

One Little Miracle

Psalm 56:8 – You keep track of all my sorrows, You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in Your book…….Psalm 30:5b – But weeping may go on all night, but JOY comes in the morning…….Psalm 40:1 – I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my Cry…….Psalm 37: 4 – But take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your Heart…….Psalm 40:5a – Oh Lord my God, you have done many miracles for us…

One Little Miracle

In January 2010, Joey and I started the journey to have our second child. As many of you know, due to Joey’s cancer, having a child is not an easy process for us. But, our desire has always been to have a house full of children and so this was the next natural step. We knew we had just a few limited tries, so each IUI attempt would be crucial, and after talking with our fertility doctors, we approached the treatments quite aggressively.

Several tries came and went, and then in May, as many of people know, we got news that we were pregnant, only to discover that we would miscarry just days later. My emotions and my body were at their breaking point from the fertility treatments and medications, so we took three months off. I worked out incessantly, ran as far as my feet would go, and lost 20 pounds. During this time I also tried to prepare myself more spiritually. One of my Bible readings included the story of Abraham and Sarah and how against all odds, God gave them a child. I actually prayed many times, letting God know that I was fully aware, and trusting, that the same God who gave Sarah a child when she was so old was the same God of today, and I knew He could give me a child too if it was His will. In fact, I recall a night where Joey and I were laying in bed, unable to sleep, and I told him about how I had read about Sarah and Abraham, and how God gave them a baby when it seemed nearly impossible, and that I was, in my own way, clinging to that hope. Throughout those weeks I also read a lot of Psalms, and little did I know how much I would need those verses of praise and reassurance in the weeks ahead.

So finally, August 19 came, and it was the day for our very last try to have our own biological children. It was an emotional day for both of us as we drove the 3 hour round trip to the fertility doctor’s office for our final IUI. We thanked our doctors, gave them hugs, and walked out, knowing only time would tell.

About a week and a half after our last try, we were down in Hartsville, SC looking at houses. Things started happening prematurely and it was then, on our last day there, that the reality struck that we would never have any more biological children. I tucked the emotions away so we could get through the day and look at houses, but then once I got home, I was flooded with a torrent of emotions. It was then that I remembered the verse I had read just weeks before: Psalm 56:8 – You keep track of all my sorrows, You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in Your book. Although my heart was broken, I knew that God was seeing each tear that fell – and believe me, there were many, but I had to trust that He had a plan.

Just as Joey and I were trying to wrap our brains around this news, I spoke with a nurse from the fertility office; this nurse in particular is my favorite nurse, so I was pleased to get her on the phone. I told her what had been happening, and her voice got very quiet over the phone as she apologized, but she said that in order to “close the book” they needed me to take a pregnancy test. Now, I thought it was quite cruel to tell someone who just found out they can never have their own children again to take a pregnancy test, but nonetheless, I took it. And I waited…. And to my shock, the digital screen read “pregnant.”

I immediately called the doctor’s office back, and they instructed me to get bloodwork done in the morning. Upon receiving the bloodwork the next day, the same, kind nurse called me and said that my numbers did indicate that I “had” been pregnant but had miscarried and would probably “finish the process” in a few days. What a jolt to our system. Here we thought our last try hadn’t worked, only to find out it had, but then we miscarried – our third miscarriage. We were broken. Again, I kept reminding myself that God saw all our tears, and I then as I lay in bed crying at night, I thought of another verse in Psalms. Psalm 30:5b – But weeping may go on all night, but JOY comes in the morning. I didn’t know what the “JOY” would look like or how that would manifest itself, but I had to trust that He had a plan and have HOPE in Him. (Jeremiah 29:11).

After two days, I went to get bloodwork again, and within a few hours, the doctor himself called me. He wanted to personally inform me that my numbers had doubled UP, not gone down further. He indicated that he was still very concerned, so perhaps this was a lab error, but he wanted to continue to monitor the situation. At that point, Joey and I, along with some family and friends, started praying earnestly that God would bless whatever was happening with these numbers and just give us a miracle if it was in His plan for us. I was claiming Psalm 37: 4 – But take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your Heart., quoting it to myself over and over, pleading that this would be our “joy in the morning.” I also took hold of Jeremiah 29:11, believing that no matter what, God had a plan for us and our job was to TRUST, no matter how hard that might be.

Two days later, blood work revealed the numbers had tripled. Two days later, the numbers had doubled, and two days later, the numbers tripled again. Our doctors scheduled us for an early pregnancy scan that would take place on a Monday.

On the Saturday night before our scan, just two days away, I started bleeding. Thoughts of miscarriage ran through my mind, and after calling the doctor, he instructed us to come up first thing Sunday morning, rather than Monday. That Sunday trip to Charlottesville was awfully quiet, both of us unsure of what we would see. All of the ups and downs of the last two weeks came down to this.

As we sat there, this teeny tiny white bubble came up on the screen. The doctor said “that’s a baby.” Even as I write this I can’t convey the emotions we felt in that moment. We were so excited, yet we didn’t want to lose the baby. I was still bleeding, and the scans also showed that my ovaries were still extremely enlarged, nearly double the size they should be, due to the fertility medications of the last treatment, and were in danger of possibly rupturing. So, I was placed on bed rest and told to come back in a week. We sent sweet Abigail to my sister’s house to be cared for so that I could rest, and then all we could do was wait. Wait to see what happened with me, what happened with the baby, and wait to see what God had in store for us as a family, and pray with the faith of a mustard seed that God would heal me and grow this precious baby

A week went by and we went back, again unsure of what we’d see. But once more, God displayed his marvelous love for us by allowing us to see a baby that had doubled in size, and had a good, strong heartbeat. Psalm 40:1 – I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my Cry.

One more week went by, and we went back again to see our doctors. At this point, I was 7 weeks pregnant. During this appointment, the doctor explained that, based on what he was seeing, he believed I had originally conceived multiples, and in those early days five weeks prior, that to me signified that there was no pregnancy, I had actually miscarried part of that multiple group. We were so saddened and hurt by this news, but during the ultrasound on that day, God again provided a miracle. Again, JOY comes. In the monitor we saw one precious tiny baby that had again doubled in size, with a strong heartbeat. And then - Finally, our doctor, who is carefully cautious, said “congratulations.” And, a moment that will be etched in my mind forever is when the baby came up on the ultrasound screen, the nurse that was in the room with us, the kind, sweet nurse that weeks ago had softly said “I’m sorry” over the phone, started jumping up and down in the exam room and waving her arms in the air! Once the doctor left, she came over and gave Joey and me both hugs. To her, it was “official” – we had a baby. As we left that day, Joey and I were ecstatic, and so thankful that God had seen fit to let us have this precious baby this far. Later that night, I again thought of a verse in Psalms, and was so grateful that even at this early point and through the most bizarre, abnormal, and unexpected circumstances, we could rejoice that God had given us the desires of our hearts, hearts which so deeply longed for another baby. Psalm 37: 4 – But take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your Heart.

Finally, we went for our 8 week ultrasound – just over 2 months pregnant. Once again, the doctor used the words “great” and “normal” more times that we could count. The baby had grown perfectly, and had a strong healthy heartbeat. It was also at this visit that our fertility doctors “released” us, handing me over to my local doctor. This was an emotional time as we said goodbye to the amazing staff that God has worked through so many times to bring us comfort on those many difficult days, to help us gain knowledge needed about this sometimes overwhelming process, and most importantly, to give us Abigail, and now this precious baby. We hugged them, I cried, and we told them “thank you” for everything they had done for us as a family. As we left that day, the older doctor in the practice looked at me and said “I think you’re both going to be just fine.” It was a wonderful moment - Psalm 40:5a – Oh Lord my God, you have done many miracles for us…

So, we can finally say with great joy that we are PREGNANT, and that we are having another precious baby. The road here was not easy, and although it’s still “high risk,” we know that God kept this tiny little one safe in His hands for His purpose, and has brought us this far as part of His perfect plan for us. He made a way for this pregnancy to be viable when others, including us, had thought that dream was long gone. God is SO good and we are praying and trusting Him to carry us throughout the rest of this pregnancy, and in the meantime, I think I will enjoy lots of pretzels, ice cream, and crackers :)

He Equips Us for the Task!

Over the last couple of days, I've been reading through Exodus, and the last six chapters have all been about the details of how to construct, and handle, the Ark of the Covenant. As a kid that grew up in church, I knew the Ark was important, but I had never really read through every specific and tiny detail of its creation. To be honest, there were moments during those six chapters where I was easily distractable, or was ready to move on to something that was a bit more, should we say "easy reading." :) But then I got to Chapter 31....

"The Lord says to Moses, Look I have chosen Bezalel....I have filled him with the Spirit of God, giving Him great wisdom, intelligence, and skill in all kinds of crafts. He is able to create beautiful objects from gold, silver, and bronze. He is skilled in cutting and setting gemstones and in carving wood. Yes, he is a master at every craft. And I have appointed Oholiab...to be his assistant. Moreover, I have given special skill to all the naturally talented craftsmen so they can make the things I have instructed you to make." Exodus 31:1-6 (NLT)

This really struck me, and I read it several times. God had just finished giving the Israelites this huge, remkarkably important task, yet immediately after the last instruction is given, it was like He was saying "I've given you the skills to accomplish this." To me, it was like he was letting Moses know "Yes, this is a big job, but you can do this. It's ok. I've given you just what you need."

Two aspects that I wrote down about these verses were that God gave the individuals the skills they needed in order to accomplish the very specific tasks He required of them. Secondly, He brought other people, with other skill sets, to their side to help them - God gave them exactly what they needed for the work He had for them.

In the verses that follow, verses 7-11, God runs down a list of every single item that had to be built for the Ark of the Convenant and the Tabernacle. Every item is included. So, He didn't say, "I have equipped them to fulfill every aspect of what I called you to except for a few." No, God made sure these men had the skills and talents needed to complete EVERY part of what He desired and had called them to do.

These verses were a great reminder to me that God gives us the tools and skills we need for just what He called us to. Whether it's being a teacher, nurse, carpenter, mentor, accountant, engineer, stay-at-home mom, pastor, wife, or husband, God has set a specific task in front of us, and it's comforting to know that God equips us with just the skills we need, and then also surrounds us with others who can "sharpen" us and assist us along the way.

Feeling Blessed!

I kind of hit a "writer's block" over the last few weeks, and have thought over and over that I need to post a blog, but felt I just didn't have anything I wanted to write about. Then over the last couple of days, I kept thinking of how much I have to be grateful for, and how richly God has blessed me - In the little daily events of life there is so much JOY to be found! So, I thought I'd share.

My daughter Abigail is incredible. No, she's not perfect, but she is SUCH a delight. She has a personality that can fill a room and steal the show, and she makes me laugh all the time!

We get in the car, and she asks immediately for "SayBoo" - for those of you that are Veggie Tale lovers, you know this as a Silly Song, "Ceboo." She squeals out the high notes and holds out the long "boooooooooos" What is there NOT to love about that?

This morning Abigail woke up at 6 - now, this is NOT common practice. My baby girl LOVES to sleep, and often does until 9 or so. We brought her to the bed with us, and she just cuddled, and then she stayed with me and watched cartoons, and we continued to just snuggle in bed - what a time to soak up! I was so thankful for those moments, which I normally don't get because she enjoys sleeping so much!

Tonight at Toys R Us, Abigail picked up several toys and was checking them out. Then, she carried them to the shopping cart and said "here mommy buggie" and then "present mommy buggie" (see pictures below). She was so serious too! Joey and I laughed and laughed. If it were up to me, I would have bought her the whole store, but don't worry, we didn't :) The child has no concept of money, she just sees things she wants with those big blue eyes and the innocence of a child is SO happy!


























My husband - who is just an amazing, Godly man - is a treasure. I wonder all the time how I snagged him! :) He goes out of his way to try to schedule his meetings at work so she can come home and have lunch with Abigail and me. What a sweet gesture, and it's so nice to see him in the day! What a blessing that he is able, and WANTS, to do that to spend time with us!

Joey works two jobs, and yet still finds time to help with dishes, laundry, and I don't even ask. The other day, I was downstairs, and when I went back upstairs, I found he had put the folded laundry away! He is just THOUGHTFUL!

Tonight, I came downstairs and there was a large gift bag sitting in the rocking chair - inside were brand new running shoes for me! It was just because - no reason other than he knew I needed some and wanted to get them for me. That's a double blessing because I really DID need the shoes, but because my husband thought of me and continues to show his love in a meaningful way.

Last but not least, I'm thankful for Godly music. I know this may sound weird, but today Abigail and I were listening to Travis Cotrell and it was just SO nice to sit in my living room, folding laundry while Abigail "helped" me :), listening to words like "In Christ alone, my hope is found..." and then Charles Billingsly, "when I don't know what to do, I lift my hands!" What an encouragement throughout the day. We ended the day, just before taking Abigail to bed, by listening to Denver and the Mile High Orchestra, a Christian Big Band, and Abigail and I were just dancing away in the living room. Again, what a great moment to stop and appreciate!

I am so grateful for the child and husband God has given me, and for the ways that He uses them, and others, to show His love for me, and His goodness. I hope I never get to busy to see the little, daily blessings He showers down....

"Count your blessings name them one by one, Count your blessings see what God has done, Count your many blessings see what God has done!" - Hymn by Johnson Oatman


I Chronicles 16:34 - Give thanks to the Lord, for HE is good.

"Whom having not seen, We love..." 1 Peter 1:8

This past weekend, I was anticipating this week with so much excitement. It was our 7 year wedding anniversary on Monday, and Joey’s 4 Year “Cancer-versary” on Tuesday - Both reminders of God’s goodness and faithfulness to us in our lives. It was to be a weekend and early week of celebration!

Little did I know that we would need these immediate reminders of God’s love, grace, healing, and presence in our lives to carry us through the week with the reminder that HE has a perfect plan for us, even when we don’t understand.

Please know that what I’m about to write about on this blog is just based on my personal experience, and I know that many people see this topic as one that should be kept very private and it’s not often discussed. I don’t mean to offend anyone. I just feel like it is better when some experiences are just “put out there” and brought to the surface so there’s no awkwardness. Also, if we talk about cancer, death, sickness, or other medical problems, why can’t this too be discussed and shared? I know it’s such a delicate topic, to be handled carefully, I just want to be honest, and who knows, maybe in the process touch someone else who has been where I’ve been, or who might be there one day.

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Unbeknownst to really anyone, Joey and I have been going through a grueling fertility process for the past several months. Long story short, we only have a few precious tries to have our own children due to Joey’s cancer, and we were down to the last try or two, with no positive result. Then, when we least expected it, a positive pregnancy test. God had given us a miracle.

Then, in the midst of spending a slow, lazy day together on Monday, and reminiscing about our 7 years of wonderful marriage together, I began to have a miscarriage, my second since 2007. I sat there stunned, hurt, broken, and yet, unusually calm. I sat for several minutes, wanting inside to breakdown sobbing and crying, yet having this instant peace that kept me held together.

Honestly, though my heart was breaking, God provided me with HIS truth to every thought that was racing through my mind in that moment.

I knew I had just lost a precious baby, yet I knew that baby was in Heaven. I thought of how God had “knitted this baby in my womb.” Psalm 139:13 and HE had a plan for this baby.

I knew this was not what I wanted, especially after how hard we had “worked” to get to this point, but yet I kept thinking “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not unto your OWN understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him.” Proverbs 3:5-6

I sat on the side of the bed with Joey and through quiet tears, told him that my heart was broken, and I was so tired from the fertility process and so burnt out. But, I felt like God was holding me together, and that I knew He had a plan. We talked about a book we’ve read called God Meant if for Good that talks about how so many times there were circumstance in the Bible that, to the naked eye, seemed hopeless, yet God used them to create some of His greatest miracles or to mold men who would make history for His kingdom. We had to trust that in His way, this would work for His good and His glory.

As the night wore on, and I continued the process of miscarrying, I found that I didn’t want to talk to anyone. There was so much going on in my head, and with my emotions, that I just wanted some time to process it.

And yet, I couldn’t get away from His truths, and so many others, that I’ve learned firsthand over the last few years. When I was lying on my bed, crying, I looked up and saw the framed article I had written about Joey’s battle with cancer – the article is titled “The Anchor Holds.” If you think of that song, it says the ship is battered, and I knew, after all those fertility treatments and now this, my body was battered. But there, at the end of that article, I saw a picture of my healthy husband, and thought “How can I doubt God’s faithfulness? His plan? His love for us?” One of Joey’s favorite verses during the year he had cancer was Job 23:10, “But He knows the way that I take, and when He has tried me I will come forth as gold.” God was not taken by surprise by this loss, and I HAD to trust Him – He knows my path, my journey, and where He’s taking us.

Over and over that night, God surrounded us with His peace and presence, in a way that only come from HIM – “And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will guard your hearts.” Philippians 4:7. This doesn’t mean that our hearts didn’t hurt and break over the loss of our unborn baby, that just meant, for me, that in the midst of that hurt I could trust in Him and have HOPE because He always has our best interest in mind – “And we know that all things work together for the good of those who love Him.” Romans 8:28.

The next day on Tuesday, Joey’s 4 year Remission mark, I was surrounded by memories of Christ’s faithfulness to Joey and me and the truth that His “grace is sufficient [and His] power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9. As I sat at home, I also remembered that one of the key lessons I personally learned that year was that as Christians, it’s not our job to understand WHY – it’s our job to simply TRUST. Here I was, remembering this lesson, on an extremely challenging day, and I was convicted that I had to live it out, even in this circumstance. Again, this didn’t make the hurt less, but it once more helped me re-establish that I have to trust in His ultimate plan for my life, and for our family.

As I went to the hospital on Wednesday to have blood-work testing done, I turned on the radio. I don’t think it was a coincidence, but the song “He is with You” by Mandisa was playing. I turned it up and listened, certain that God had that song playing just for me. If you haven’t heard that song, it talks about how there is a time for everything, and how even in the hardest circumstances, God is with us. Yes, that song was playing just for me, in that moment. Again, God was making His presence known in the midst of my hurt and circumstances.

I don’t know what the future holds for our family. I will be taking several months off from the world of fertility treatments to let my body and emotions heal, and I don’t know what will happen when we try again with so few tries left, or how my body will hold up in the process. But what I DO know is this - I know that He is holding two precious little babies that Joey and I love dearly and will meet some day, and that I have a God who knows the path that I take, and that He loves me unconditionally, and it is those truths that bring comfort and peace that only HE can give.

“For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11